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Many thanks to Kathy, a reader of The Wonder of Tech, who requested this question for today’s poll. She was having a debate with other moms about the pros and cons of spying on their kids’ text messages. What do you think? Vote and comment below.
[Editor’s Note: For further discussion of this topic, check out Being a Parent De-tech-tive.]
Do you have a question you would like me to include in a future poll? Please comment in the comment box or email me at [email protected].
Latest Tech News – Tablet Wars
The Motorola Xoom tablet comes to the market today. This is the first tablet for sale using Google’s Honeycomb version of its Android operating system, designed for tablets.
Apple announced a press event for March 2. The tech community widely believes this will be when Apple will announce the iPad 2 which should go on sale in late March or early April.
So if you are thinking of buying a tablet, please wait. After the Apple event on Wednesday we should know when the iPad 2 will be launched, the new features it will have and pricing. After a few weeks we will also have a better idea how the Xoom funtions and whether it will be a worthy competitor to the iPad 2. The Wonder of Tech will keep you posted!
* Photo by Pocket-Lint
Happily, my child is now an adult so it is no longer really an issue. Based on past practice, I voted that I checked only with his knowledge. Full disclosure, there was a time when I secretly checked his texts, but I soon regretted and stopped the practice. If you do secretly check your child’s texts, it is likely that one day you will face the question of what you should do if you discover something on their texts that is worrisome, such as a relationship that has gone too far or involvement in a risk behavior. When and if that happens, what would you do? Would you confront your child with this knowledge and how you found out? Give this some thought. Until you are ready to answer this question, then you shouldn’t be snooping!
Kathy, you bring up very interesting points. If you discover disturbing information from reading your child’s texts, what do you do with that information? If you ask your child about it, then he or she will know you snooped and the trust is broken. But if you keep the information to yourself you might be worrying over a matter that has a simple explanation that would end your sleepless nights.
If the information you discover is about someone else’s child, then what do you do with the information? Contact the other child’s parents? What if you don’t know them? What if it gets back to your child that you were the source of the information?
I fall into the category of “I haven’t read their text messages yet, but if I suspected something, I would.” But I hadn’t then asked the question to myself, “What would I do if I read something concerning?”
I don’t know the right answer but I’m glad I have a chance to think about this before having to face the issue.
As a teenager, my perspective on this issue is obviously a little different because I am the suspect, I was thinking about this topic and my immediate reaction was NO WAY! I would never want a parent to read through my text messages. That is an invasion of my privacy.
Then, when I further pondered the question, I put myself in the parent’s shoes. If I suspected my child was using drugs or thinking suicidal thoughts, would I want to look at at her text messages to see if she were really at a friends house “studying” ? Yes, because checking her text message could save a life.
Other then those two circumstances, I would not read through a kid’s text messages just to be nosy or to see if she has a boyfriend. That is such an invasion of privacy and what are you as a parent going to do with that information?
As Kathy said before, you can’t confront the kid because then she would know you were reading her text messages and she would lose all her trust in you. I know that if I found out my mom was reading my text messages I would never be able to trust her. I would wonder if she was also reading my Facebook and my email? I would put a passcode on my phone and change all of my passwords.
Thanks, Arielle, for sharing the teenager’s perspective on this issue. That is good of you to also consider the parent’s point of view. I think the motivation of most parents in reading their children’s text messages is to protect their children from harm but that may not always be the result.
It’s all a matter of characterization…one could debate definition semantics, but I firmly believe it is not spying, rather responsible parenting. It can’t be “spying” unless a choice is made to define the parameters that way. We don’t say… that watching our child’s food choices is “spying” — in our house we categorize those 2 things in the same way. Not to say that I consistently read any family member’s texts, but if there’s nothing to hide, then it isn’t an issue. If there is something to hide, it justifies reading them because then there is a larger parenting issue at hand. Maybe I’m too much of a lawyer…it’s drilled into our heads that minors are not a legal entity, therefore the usual “rights” don’t apply…LOL. Besides, the kids don’t own the phone, nor can they officially start up the cell phone contract. Which then leads me to the observation that society seems to have carved a niche for certain forms of communication as being inherently private — e-mails, cell phones, diaries — but if you remove the medium form, perhaps the larger question should be discussing the difference between privacy and secrecy? And, I will argue that there should never be any secrecy within important relationships…spouse-to-spouse, and especially not parent-to-child. Surprises (like birthday parties)? Yes, always! Secrets? Never. Then, it’s full circle…if there’s no secrets in the texts, there shouldn’t be an issue at all.
Hi Rachel, Welcome to The Wonder of Tech! You make some very interesting points here. I especially like your perspective that if the parents pay for the phone and the plan, then don’t they have a right to read the text messages?
I think the difference between watching your child’s food choices and reading his texts would be whether the child know you’re reading the texts. If you are reading the child’s text messages with his knowledge, that’s not spying. But if your child doesn’t know you’re reading his messages, I think of that as “spying.” If you are in favor of reading the text messages but against keeping secrets, are you then in favor of letting your child know you are reading his text messages?
I think that could solve a lot of issues, if you tell your child that you will be reading his text messages. But then again, if he does have something to hide, he could just delete the messages he doesn’t want you reading.
I find this a fascinating issue and I appreciate you sharing your insights with us, Rachel!